Progress Report 2-9

Week 9- I hope all those in Cincinnati enjoyed the unusually wonderful weather we had all last week. I know I did. Also as an extra bonus my mom came in last week to visit and of course to stock my freezer. I have a confession to make here; my mom does not know I am back at remedial school. As a family we decided that it was really not necessary at all to put her through what we know would be an agony of worry. I know that she is praying for me day and night regardless so there will be no additional benefit there and I also wanted to spare myself from being asked 10 times a day how I was feeling and told that I should rest and take it easy when I really don’t need to. She is here with me seeing me strong, healthy and normal and that is the image I need her to keep holding of me without any useless information that may cloud it. So I have a small request if I run into any of you when I am with her please don’t mention this blog.
So as you see I continue to feel great and have a repeat conversation with Jill the nurse on how strange it is for me to be at the clinic receiving treatment; I feel like a fake. You know I am selective about what I choose to believe when it comes to medical reports but yesterday results of my CBC showed that I passed this midterm with flying colors. My blood count was for the first time within the normal range despite a higher dose of chemo confirming that my body and immune system is strong and able to fight back. Sharbel questioned once more if they weren’t actually giving me a placebo. The suite was again packed this morning, but I really think it has to do more with the time of the day than anything else, it is always busier in the morning. I sat next to a man who was getting his port flushed. He and his wife were thrilled as he had received another clean bill of health and has fully graduated. It is a real term the nurses use when a patient is well and does not need to come back for treatment; I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous but then I reminded myself that I had graduated several times before and I am just back getting a higher degree in life’s lessons. At the suite Sarah was my nurse. I like Sarah because she totally gets me. Actually most of the nurses do. They understand that I am counting on more than the drugs to be healed. When Sarah asked how I was feeling I told her that I think I am on some candid camera show and waiting for someone to come out and tell me that I have been punked. She laughed and said maybe that will be on April’s fool day. She praised my attitude but I reminded her that I really had no other choice then to believe and feel the way I do. I refuse to let this diagnosis dictate the quality of my life or determine my future. I admit it is not an easy task; it is a full time job to keep my mind focused on the positive and to live in the moment. Prayers, meditation and affirmation are a daily ritual that keep me grounded but I do not find myself forcing it. It has become second nature and find myself missing it if I have a hectic day and can't fit it in. But keeping my schedule of yoga, tai-chi and guided imagery at the wellness community has given me a frame to work within and helped me stay on track. My calender is punctuated with these activities as a priority and I work everythig else around them just like going to school, and yes there is homework to be done. Yesterday as I was sitting quietly contemplating my life I noticed that I was truly happy and at peace. It is a feeling that nothing can go wrong, even though the newly ordered bathroom cabinet has still not arrived and the bedroom wallpaper is only half stripped I have learned not to sweat the small stuff and to always, always be grateful for the smallest blessings, let go of the grievances and choose the miracle.

Much love